My life story

By Austin?

My life started in 1996: known in my homeland as the Year of the Chosen Golden Dragon Warrior Ninja Rat. My village of Duong Pau Lau Sau was located high in the Himalayas, north of Kathmandu. We had been at war with Mongolian invaders for many years, and their savagery was threatening our simple way of life. I was the son of the head warrior of our village. My birth name was not Austin, it was... Huong Bau Fau Tau. My dad's name was... Tuong Vau Qua Cau, and my mother's name was... Wuong Yau Nau Rau. As much blood was shed from battle with the Mongol's, I helped my mother maintain peace in the village, although there was so much unrest.

The other children called me a snob because of how unbelievably luxurious my house was

On the day of the Golden Dumpling Soup, my father took me to the sacred place of worship and confessed to me that in the upcoming battle on the Shadow-realms of Darkness, he would likely die. I told him to not give up, but he silenced me and made me swear an oath to defend the village. I held back my tears and promised. This was the last time I ever talked to my father.

On the day of the Purple Curry Stir-Fry, the Mongol's gathered on one side of the Shadow-realms of Darkness, and my father and the other Tibetans on the other. I watched from afar, from the top of the Mountain of Fortune Cookie. Their army was too... overwhelming. As the Mongol's charged, I couldn't hold my feeling of dread, and when they killed all our warriors quickly, including my dear father, I knew that our village was fucked.

Not even Mulan could save us from the Mongolians

So I ditched my village and climbed onto the wing of the first flight out of Tibet. I had to hold tight for over fourteen hours, so I was lucky to be wearing gloves. When I arrived in Melbourne, I saw people riding on Kangaroo's everywhere, and I knew that this was the holy place my mother told me about as a child: Mateland.

Using the ancient Tibetan method of identity theft, I found a random Australian kid called Austin Charles Bond, knocked him unconscious, stole his identity and sent him in a parcel to somewhere in North-Western Africa. I taught myself English (and Finnish, as an added bonus) and returned to this mysterious child's family.

So yes, the truth is my name is not really Austin Bond. I took my father's name as my middle name after his death, and therefore my true name is Huong Tuong Vau Qua Cau Bau Fau Tau. If you thought I was an Asian on the inside, you... are right.